


It's Not Bacon Until it Ceases To Be Bacon

by SoBeBold



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, im horrible with their canon so my bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-29 05:17:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13920192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoBeBold/pseuds/SoBeBold
Summary: Tony has lived with his best friend Rhodey for fifteen years, and everything is perfect.Until Rhodey finally gets a boyfriend, and Tony's world gets turned upside down.





	It's Not Bacon Until it Ceases To Be Bacon

**Author's Note:**

> This was a ton of fun to write, I hope you guys enjoy it! Unbeta'd, all mistakes on yours truly.

Tony didn’t bother to clean up the bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios he’d spilled all over the kitchen counter. He’d been roommates with Rhodey since college; Rhodey knew he’d get to it. Eventually. Before the ants showed up. Or maybe Rhodey would get it as it he sometimes did, because he was a champ. 

So Tony just kind of…left it there. He had a project to work on anyway, and Rhodey knew how caught up he got. He might forget all about the cheerios. Maybe. Probably. Tony would make it up to him. In like eight hours, when he could pull himself away for a moment to actually eat. 

He was assembling a new edition to his army of robots, something he could perch on the edge of the bathroom mirror’s shelf that would shave him while he prettied up for dates, when he realized Rhodey was home. Because Rhodey yelled. 

“Again, Tony?!”

“Sorry, babykins. You know how I get when I’m focused.”

“My frickin sock is wet, Tony. With cereal milk.“

“I’ll take care of it, Hun. All laundry’s in me this week.” Tony ducked under the shelf to bolt the bot on.

He heard the steam leak out as Rhodey calmed down, as he always did. “It better be.”

“I love you!” 

“I love you, too, and it makes me question my sanity.”

“Stop it, I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.”

Crash! The mirror ledge, made of a thin plate of tinted blue glass, shattered. Tony had just enough time to slam his eyes closed before the shards rained down on his face.

“What the hell was that? Tony! Are you alright?” Rhodey came charging in, as always, to save Tony’s ass. He cradled Tony’s face, twisting him left and right to assess the damage. “Keep your eyes closed. Hold on to me.” Rhodey guided him to sit on the toilet lid. “What in the world did you do to yourself now?”

“Feels like I cut my cheek. Nothing too serious.” He dared to open an eye to peek; he loved Rhodey’s expression when he fussed over him. 

“Eyes closed,” he barked and Tony followed orders with a smile. “Sometimes I wonder if you do this shit to yourself just so I’ll baby you.”

“I won’t necessarily deny that, but you know I’d into these scrapes regardless, my love.” 

“Hold still. I’m gonna put some Bactine on it.” He went for the well-used first aid kit, one foot squelching all the way. Tony laughed. “This isn’t funny, Tony. You are a life-ruiner. You are my life-ruiner.” 

Tony enjoyed Rhodey’s warm palm on his face while Rhodey cleaned his wound. “As long as I’m yours.” 

Rhodey froze for a moment before moving on. “‘As long as he’s mine,’ he says. You’re paying for that.” Tony snorted. Obviously he was, because he was kind of a billionaire. He could live in the tower with maids and the whole nine, but that could never touch living in this little shithole with Rhodey, not for a second. Rhodey was a physical extension of his body and he would literally die without him. Rhodey liked a humble life, so that was that.

“You’re also on bathroom duty.”

“I suppose.”

“For a month.”

“A month?” Rhodey pressed down on his cut. “Ow! Why a month?”

“You know I don’t mind when you build in the house-“

“You’re always so indulgent with me.”

“-but I mind when you _destroy_ the house. When you destroy the house, there are consequences.”

“Yes, dear.” 

Rhodey shook his head, but couldn’t stop the smirk that crossed his face. “You make me sick, you know that?”

“Yes, I know, sick with love. Forgive me?”

“Yes, I forgive you.”

“Then prove it.” Tony puckered his lips exaggeratedly. 

Rhodey shoved him playfully. “Gross, get outta here!”

“What, no make up sex?”

“You’re too much, Tony. I’m gonna go change my socks.” Rhodey squelched out of the bathroom, shaking his head. 

That was the perfect snapshot. Them, in a nutshell. Tony being a lovable, ingenious fuck-up and Rhodey lovingly saving his ass and being generally long-suffering. They’d always joked around like that since they were teenagers at MIT, and everybody joked that they were married. Yeah, kinda. Tony was always overly demonstrative with his affections, with lots of teasing and flirting, but that was just Tony’s way. Rhodey knew he wasn’t serious and thought it was begrudgingly cute. Tony grew more grateful for him every day; literally no one could put up with him for half as long, let alone still love him the way his best friend did, not even his parents. _Maybe I should tell him that, for once. Nah. No need to get all emotional diarrhea on him. He knows._

Tony would gladly clean the bathroom-no. He’d make a bot for that. Later, though. He had a sort-of date tonight. Sort-of, in that he wasn’t taking this person seriously. It was more like, do I think you’re intriguing enough to spend a few hours in my bed? 

His name was Matt, and he fit the bill well enough. Asian-American, a nice build, liked building race car engines. That spark to their conversation was what had Matt moaning around Tony’s dick while they sixty-nined in his bed that night. 

“Shh, my roommate will hear.”

“Does he care?”

“I care.” He wasn’t sure why, but he hated for Rhodey to hear him hoeing around. It was common knowledge, but that didn’t mean he should be exposed to it. 

“Okay, then.” Matt rearranged them and placed Tony’s hand over his mouth. Tony’s eyebrows raised. Matt just became a lot more fun.

Tony tried to sneak him out right before sunrise, shushing him repeatedly.

“Don’t let him hear you.”

“I thought you said you were single?”

“I am.”

“Then why does it matter so much?”

Tony just shoved him out the door. 

“I had a great time last night. Can we meet again sometime?”

“Sure,” Tony lied before closing the door in his face. Maybe they would meet again. Perchance in some serendipitous way, but he sure the hell wasn’t coming back in his apartment. He remembered there were honey nuts cheerios left, the ones he hadn’t spilled. He tiptoed towards the kitchen, the groaning old floor making him wince. 

“Ah, ah, ah, don’t you touch my fridge with those grubby fingers. I don’t know where your little friend has been.” Tony literally jumped at the sound of Rhodey’s voice. 

“You trying to kill me, James Rhodes?”

“Sometimes I think so, yes.” He sipped on a cup of already-brewed coffee. 

“Why are you up so early? You don’t have to work today.”

“You forget that I’m an early riser by habit now. They say it’s good for you, you ought to try it.”

“Doing ‘good for you’ things is so incredibly boring, sweetheart.”

“You could also try to be more quiet. The walls are paper thin around here.”

Damn it, Matt. “I did try.”

“Not hard enough.” Rhodey’s eyes were flat and the edges of his mouth tight. He was mad, and if there was one thing Anthony Edward Stark couldn’t stand, it was when James Rupert Rhodes was truly angry with him. 

He rushed over to hold Rhodey, his face in Rhodey’s neck, seeking his familiar warmth.

Rhodey wasn’t hugging back, so Tony finally jumped up and wrapped his legs around him. 

“Alright, alright, I give, get down.”

“You know I can’t stand it when you’ve peeved at me.” 

“Obviously.”

Instead of saying what he should have- “I’m sorry and I’ll do better,”- he Tony-ed the whole thing.

“Didn’t mean to make you jealous, lover. Whenever you want it to be you and me, say the word. I’ll drop each and every last one of them.” Rhodey’s eyed widen in a panic. Tony backpedaled immediately and jumped down. “I didn’t meant that. You know I’d never cross the line. I don’t, I didn’t-“ 

Rhodey pressed his fingers into his eyes. “Tony, it’s okay. I know you wouldn’t cross the line. It’s…it’s nothing. It’s forgotten.” Rhodey laid his head down on the counter.

“Full works today? Since it’s your day off?”

“Hell yes. That. Right now.”

Making Rhodey’s favorite breakfast had been Tony’s way of apologizing since forever. He knew exactly how Rhodey liked his eggs (right between over medium and over hard) and his bacon (cooked to within an inch of its life) and he liked plain yogurt with honey in it and his french toast with lots of nutmeg and none of that fake maple syrup shit, Rhodey only ate the real deal. 

So having an adult conversation about everything, Tony fired up his skillet and tried to ignore the sting of knowing it offended Rhodey to think of being with him. 

Rhodey didn’t really date. There were flings here and there, but nothing serious. Rhodey was notoriously private about what little he did and wouldn’t let Tony near any of them. That was probably a good idea.

Rhodey didn’t really leave the house. Tony could set his watch by him, always there to be predictably reading a book in his favorite recliner after work. Tony had once bought him a robe, slippers and a long wooden pipe as a gag. But then Rhodey, seeming to miss the joke, started wearing the slippers and the robe and reading the Wall Street Journal after work. He didn’t smoke, but sometimes he would unironically stick the pipe in his mouth and just work it, like a nervous habit. Tony teased him endlessly, but was secretly satisfied with himself. Plus, watching that pipe in his mouth could be inexplicably hot.

Sometimes, Tony had everything ready for him when he got home. 

“Have to keep the hubby happy, right?” He would joke. Rhodey would chuckled, but sometimes his eyes looked sad and far away. Usually, though, Rhodey ate it up. Before long it stopped being a joke. 

They were tons of little things. Inside jokes and favorite accidental recipes and Rhodey’s family always taking Tony’s side and stories of the stupid shit they’d gotten into over the years (well, the stupid shit Tony got them into over the years), rituals at home, like Tony breaking things and himself and Rhodey fussing over him and fixing him and swearing this was the last time he’d deal with a spraying toilet hose or a garbage disposal on the loose or any number of rogue robots. Tony never wanted it to change. The problem was, change is inevitable. 

 

 

 

“Hey Rhodey, why don’t we order a-“ When Tony walked in the door a few weeks later, Rhodey’s favorite recliner was totally Rhodey-less. Tony backed out, double checked the address, and walked back in. Rhodey was always home at this time, reading the latest WWII history book or military thriller. The only times he _wasn’t_ there, they were out together. So what the fuck? Tony tossed down today’s copy of the Wall Street Journal and started texting like mad. 

 

**James Rhodes, you are not exactly where I want you when I want you there. Explain yourself.**

 

This was his third offense. Once was a fluke. Three times was a pattern. Any more would be an emergency.

 

**On my way home** , came the reply, but after almost twenty minutes. 

 

**You better be, because I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown.**

 

Rhodey strode in wearing a shit-eating grin and a faraway look. Tony didn’t like that, not one bit.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“Out.” One-word answers? Since when?

“Out where?”

“Why does it matter, Tony?”

“Because you weren’t home when I got here.”

“I don’t always have to be sitting at home waiting for you, you know.”

“Yeah, you do.” 

“No,” Rhodey said, feathers properly ruffled, “I don’t”. 

“Okay, alright, no need to get all grizzly bear about it. I know It was my turn to make dinner tonight. I’ll just order us a pizza and make it up to you later. Sound good?”

Rhodey barely looked at him. Barely payed him an iota of attention. That was a problem because Rhodey’s attention was sunlight on his flower, and without it he’d wither and die. 

“Hey, so, guess what? I didn’t break a single thing today.”

“I’m proud of you,” he replied, absentmindedly.

“Doesn’t seem like it. That means I get to break more things from lack of positive reinforcement.”

“Fine, Tony. Let me know the pizza gets here? I think I’ll just eat it in my room, I’m beat.” He shut his bedroom door and that was the end of it. 

A doctor. He needed one. He never just got tired and went to eat in his room. They had dinner together almost every night. What would make him act this way? Unless…

Tony didn’t wait for the pizza. He didn’t knock. He just barged into Rhodey’s room, which made Rhodey drop his phone, which he’d just been texting on with a dumb smile on his face. 

“Tony, what in the world is it now?” He was used to Tony barging into his room unannounced. Respect for boundaries and personal space was another thing Tony Stark wasn't familiar with, especially when it came to their friendship. 

“You’re seeing somebody.”

”Well, if you must know, yeah.” Rhodey went all heart-eyes. He was remembering. Thinking about time he spent with this guy. Tony could feel himself dying inside. 

“Who is he?”

“A guy I met at work.”

“You’re making goo-goo eyes over him. You can.t be that serious about a guy you’ve been dating for only a week.” Rhodey looked guilty. “It’s been more than a week.”

Rhodey used his “Tony, you’re being melodramatic” voice. “We’ve been having lunch at the office. Then sometimes out of the office. Lately a little dinner after the office.” Tony pantomimed a heart attack, and he wasn’t entirely sure he was faking.

“You kept this from me.”

“Kept it from you? Stop it, Tony, it wasn’t some big secret and it’s not like I lied to you. I never lie to you.”

“That’s true, but you kept it from me.” 

“Why are you so upset about this?” Maybe because his world was crumbling but hey, no worries.

“I’m not,” Tony sniffed.

“As my best friend in the whole world, you should be happy for me.”

“I am,” he scoffed, a bald-faced lie. He never lied to Rhodey either. Doing it now made him feel like shit.

“Then maybe try and act like it?”

Tony sprawled all the way out on the bed starfish style, pushing Rhodey out of the way, to which Rhodey grunted with mock-offense. This was another one of their things. What if they didn’t get to do this anymore because mystery man took up all of Rhodey’s time? Worse, what if mystery man starting taking his place? No. He couldn't fathom it. This guy had to go.

Tony flipped onto his stomach, kicked his feet up, and planted his chin on his elbows like a schoolgirl. He batted his eyelashes. “Okay, so tell me all about this super special guy of yours.” That really meant, “feed me intel so I can destroy him from the inside.”

“You really want to know?”

“I need to vet him. Make sure he’s good enough.” Bullshit. He needed personal information with which to annihilate him. It would feed Tony’s soul.

“He’s great. A perfect gentleman. Nothing like you at all.” Rhodey was joking, of course, but it didn’t feel that way. It felt like a sharp knife plunged in deep and twisted abruptly. 

“So, this boring, unfunny, unadventurous friend of yours, what’s his name?”

“Phil.” Rhodey still had that starry-eyed look on his face.

“Phil? I think I’m gonna throw up.”

“I’m not surprised you’re laughing.”

“What do you mean?”

“You couldn’t just support me, could you? You have to be Tony about it.” Tony what sure what hurt more; that Rhodey said it or that it was so true. He so jealous it seethed down to his bones. 

“I won’t get to spend as much time with you.”

“We live together. We’ll still see each other literally all the time. If things get deeper with Phil and me, maybe you’ll meet him, then we can all spend time together.” Anything but that. Dear God. “Sounds great. Can’t wait,” Tony squeezed out through clenched teeth. He wouldn’t be able to stand it. He wouldn’t share his best friend, not with anyone. 

It would still be a couple of weeks before this ”Phil” made his first appearance but when he did, he did it with a bang. 

Around one am he heard it. It woke him up out of his sleep, actually. Moans. 

“Is that Rhodey?!” As long as Tony had lived with him, Tony never heard him have sex. Definitely not this loud. 

There it was again, followed by a laugh and a muffled curse. “How dare he have sex in our apartment?” Was this how it sounded when he brought Matt and all his other sexual partners back to his room? Rhodey ought to be sainted for putting up with all his shit.

Tony couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned all night, earphones in and pillow over his head, trying to block out the sounds. How was it bothering him this much?

So at five am, when Rhodey tried to sneak Phil out of the house, Tony was up making coffee. 

“Hello, love birds. Care for dark roast? Disinfect your hands first.” Rhodey startled then sighed. 

“What are you doing up so early, Tony?”

“It’s good for your health, Jimmy, buddy. Or so I’ve been told. I couldn’t get any sleep.” Even though Rhodey’s skin was a deep tone, he always knew when there was a blush there. Good old Phil was pushed behind the door until now. He finally showed himself, the weasel. Problem was, the weasel was handsome, confident, and well put together, even sneaking out of his lover’s apartment after a night of needlessly loud debauchery.

“I wish we could have done this at a less awkward time, but hey, carpe diem, right?”

“You knowing one Latin phrase makes you sophisticated?” Rhodey's eyes narrowed, but Phil just chuckled. “No one’s ever accused me of that.”

“I’ll bet.”

“You’re the famous Tony Stark. I’ve read about you in magazines, and I’ve heard all about you from James, and it seems you’re an awesome guy.” Tony ignored Phil’s attempts, as genuine as they seemed, to charm him. He shook Phil’s hand and tried his hardest to crush every bone in it. Phil seemed unaffected.

“Phil Coulson, SHEILD Intelligence Agency.”

“So you’re a narc.”

“Tony.” Rhodey’s voice went dangerously low. Tony let up, bit only a little. “You’ve heard a lot about me. All good things, I presume. I’m an angel, I’ll have you to know.”

“Yes, James told me how great of a friend you are to him. I’ve always been curious about you. Maybe even a little jealous.”

“Well, you should be.”

“That’s enough,” Rhodey snapped. “Phil, sweetheart, why don’t we go out for coffee? Tony can be a little bitchy in the morning.”

“I’ll go wait for you in the car. It was a pleasure, Tony.” 

“Wish I could say the same,” Tony said as Phil took his leave. 

“What the hell is your problem?”

“Guess I’m _bitchy_ in the morning.”

“The first time you meet Phil and this is how you behave? This is unacceptable. We definitely are gonna see less of each other if you treat him like this, Tony. I care about him. He isn't going anywhere. You’d better get used to it.” Rhodey slammed the door behind him and Tony gasped for air, the familiar panic shaking through him. Rhodey never left angry, ever. He came in ready to tear Tony’s head off all the time, and he’d had countless fits inside the apartment-no surprises there, with all the bot mistakes-but Tony always had a chance to weasel his way back on his good side. Now here Phil was, all perfect and humble and unshakeable, already turning his best friend against him. And-gross-making him moan. Tony shuddered. He needed a better plan of attack. 

But first, Operation Make Rhodey Not Mad.

The next night, he held up a twelve-pack of that craft ale shit Rhodey liked so much. “Quality time?” That got Rhodey half-smiling, and Tony knew he was in. They took Rhodey’s SUV down to the lake. They backed in and lifted the rear door, sprawled out on old cushions in the back, the way they always did. They didn’t say much; didn’t have to. The wind in the trees and the water lapping at the shore was enough. They’d been coming here since undergrad, and the place seemed to welcome them back every time. Tony laid his head on Rhodey’s shoulder and gave him puppy dog eyes. Rhodey rolled his, but it was in his usual fond way. Tony could breath again.

“Got you something.” A flower bouquet.

“Pink chrysanthemums, Tones?”

“They mean optimism and joy. You love ‘em.”

“I kinda do.”

“Got you something else, too.”

He handed Rhodey a beautifully wrapped box. 

“Glenfiddich 1937? Tony, this is a seventy-thousand dollar bottle of scotch.”

Tony shrugged. “Only the best for my favorite scotch-enthusiast-slash-lush.”

“I’m not mad anymore. I won’t even know what mad means once I crack open this bottle.”

“I’m the best at bribes.” 

“You know you’ll always be my best friend no matter what, right?”

“Right. Until you get sick of me like everybody else.”

“If I’m still hanging tough after all the bullshit you’ve pulled over the years, what makes you think I’d go somewhere now?” Rhodey stroked Tony’s hair, and tugged a little.

“Good point. Pull my hair again, it was kinky.” To his surprise, it really had turned him on. Rhodey audibly gulped. 

“I…don’t think we should joke like that so much anymore, Tony.”

“Because of the illustrious Phil?”

“Yeah. I want you guys to get along. It’s important to me. Will you try?”

“For you? Anything.”

As they laid there, watching the sun set over the water, drinking good beer and mind-blowing scotch, Tony figured he’d try. He would.

Tony was begrudgingly tolerant the next few weeks as Rhodey brought Phil over more often. Phil’s things began to show up in their bathroom and their fridge. Sometimes Tony saw them casually kiss or see their fingers intertwined and it made something in him, something deep in his chest, twist into knots. 

It wasn’t right that Phil should be kissing Rhodey, and holding his hand, doing _things_ to him at night- but if not Phil, then who? Despite Tony’s best efforts, he hadn’t seen a single thing to suggest Phil was anything other than perfect. 

It didn’t matter. He wasn’t perfect for Rhodey. Nobody was good enough. Jealousy ate at him like a cancer. Phil had to go so things could go back to the way they were.

He’d try, alright. He would be helpful. So helpful.

“Rhodey loves it when you make him breakfast.”

“Oh, yeah? What are his favorites?”

Tony shrugs. “The usual. Eggs, bacon, toast.” He doesn’t even have to give Phil fake instructions; Rhodey’s plenty picky. Phil will fuck it up on his own. 

So helpful. Helping Phil right out of his house.

When he comes into the kitchen the next morning to hear Rhodey laugh and say, “Oh no, Babe, I can’t eat it like that,” he knows he’s winning.

“What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s still oinking. It’s all limp and chewy. Ain’t nobody got time for all that. And It’s not that I don’t like toast, I just like mine French.”

“Tony said you like having breakfast cooked for you. He said you like the usual, eggs, bacon, and toast.” 

“He was telling the truth. I’m just the pickiest bastard you will ever meet.”

“It’s atrocious.” Tony chimed in, thrilled that Phil looked so totally out of his depth. 

“Then how-?”

“Phil, dear, let me show you how it’s done.” Tony hip-checked him out of the way and commandeered all the pots. “In that man’s eyes, the cooking process is not complete until this is reduced to nothing but a carbon husk of what used to be bacon. To Rhodey, It’s not bacon until it ceases to be bacon.” Rhodey laughed. Phil frowned and Tony felt smug. 

Tony looked him pointedly in the eye as he instructed Phil exactly how Rhodey liked his everything. 

“They’re not over medium but they’re not over hard. Right in between.” Phil was at a total loss, and Tony couldn’t have been happier.

“See how I told you Tony know me like no one else, Babe?”

“Indeed, I do see.”

“It’s not your fault, Phillie. We have, like, decades of history behind us. You’re new here, so how could you have known?”

Rhodey teased him. “I forgive you, babe. You’ll get it next time.”

“You sure will.” Tony echoed, not bothering to cover his satisfied smile when Rhodey made yum noises over the blackened bacon mixed with the egg yolk. “It’s perfect. Thanks, Tones.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

Victory makes Tony up the stakes. Rhodey’s in his room with Phil when they hear the crash in the kitchen and come running.

Rhodey sighs his most put-upon sigh. “What happened to the fridge, Tones?”

“I broke it.”

“Obviously. How did you break it?”

“Tried to turn it into a competitive fighting bot.”

“Again?”

“You know about my lust for blood, darling.”

“I had some rocky road in here that I was really looking forward to.” 

“I’ll get you some postmated.”

“Fine.”

“Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not, you tech-obsessed dumbass. You’re bleeding. No surprises there.” Rhodey runs for the first aid kit while Tony bites back a smile.

“Sit.” Tony sat, eying Phil the whole time while Rhodey examines his hand. “Look at this, Tony. You’re lucky you don’t need stitches.”

“Sorry, Muffin. What would I do if you weren’t around?”

“You’d find your way into an early grave, that’s what.”

“That’s why I need you around to save my sweet ass.”

“I’ll always be here to save your sweet ass.”

“Whoops. I take that back. Rhodey told me we couldn’t joke about my sweet ass anymore.” He winked at Phil, who looked like he sucked on a lemon. Ah, the sweet taste of triumph.

“So Colonel Rhodes has a boyfriend now?” Peter Parker, the neighbor-kid across the hall, has a penchant for picking the absolute worst subjects for conversation.

“That’s the rumor.”

“I’ve seen him. I don’t know how you decide if a guy’s handsome, but he seems like a handsome guy. He’s nice. Colonel Rhodes introduced him and he shook my hand and said he’d heard all about me and we talked about the new drone that’s coming out. Then he told me he liked my periodic table of the elements shirt. I like him. Colonel Rhodes seems happy. Maybe they’ll get serious. Maybe they’ll get married.” Usually Peter’s incessant chatter helped lull Tony into a meditative state, but today it grated him like cheese. 

“Yeah, maybe they will get married. Then Rhodey can get the hell out of my house.”

“I always thought it would be you guys. You always argue like an old married couple, you’re _always_ together-“

It was like a bomb went off. “Excuse me?”

“Well, I always thought you were in love with Colonel Rhodes. I thought you guys were married when we moved in. I never understood why you weren’t together.”

“What the hell do you mean, in love with Colonel Rhodes?”

“Sorry, Mr. Stark, I didn't mean to overstep.”

“Why would you say I’m in love with Rhodey?”

It’s just that you always looked at him different than you did other people. I don’t know, your eyes would be all soft. And you only half-listen when other people are talking, but we he talks you pay attention. And I mean, well, aren’t you?”

Tony stopped. 

The answer was a resounding yes. Yes, he was. Why in the hell did a sixteen-year-old kid call him out on it instead of him figuring it out for himself?

“…And I thought he must be in love with you because, I mean, he puts up with all your shit. I mean, crap. I mean, stuff? Sorry, Mr. Stark.”

“You need to get all four of those eyes checked, kid.”

“Oh. Okay, I guess I’m wrong.” He shrugged and found another subject to yammer about while Tony had a emotional crisis. 

He took a drive to clear his head, which only lead him down to the lake. Tony sat, fingers interlaced and head hung low, watching the water lap at the shore. 

To be truthful, he’d always known. Who else knew how to make him laugh, how to talk him down off ledges and out of stupid ideas? Who else balanced him? Who else completed him? Who else did he need the way he needed Rhodey? 

Everybody thought they wanted to be in Tony Stark’s life, until they started spending time with him. Then they’d take what they could get and abandon ship. Not James Rhodes. Rhodey wouldn’t even let him pay all the rent, knowing how rich he was. Rhodey was the only person who wasn’t afraid to put a foot in his ass when he needed it, either.

“I’m in love with him. What the fuck.”

Next problem. Rhodey didn’t feel the same way. 

Because he couldn’t love Tony, not like this. He could tolerate Tony, the way he had for years. Tony called him pet names all the time and physically clung to him, and Rhodey always laughed it off. No, Tony was in this by himself. The best he could do was protect his best friend. Maybe he wasn’t the one for Rhodey, but he still didn’t like seeing him with Phil. 

Which is why the words flew out of his mouth one evening, when Rhodey was in his recliner with his paper and tobacco-less pipe.

“I think you should break up with Phil.”

Rhodey slowly lowered they paper into his lap and looked up to the ceiling god for guidance. “Don’t do this, Tony.”

“I just don’t think he’s any good for you.”

“I see exactly what this is.” Tony readied himself for it. The jig was up.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he lied.

“Yes, you do. You’re used to getting all the attention from guys. You’re used to getting all my attention. Now that I have somebody, you want BFF Rhodey to be alone and available for you at all times like I always was. I deserve some happiness, too, Tony.” So the jig wasn’t entirely up, but his jealousy was out there on the table.

“Jealous of you and a balding guy with a beak nose? Not hardly.” Heaven forbid he make things easy, though.

Rhodey pinched the bridge of his nose, hand on his hip. “You couldn’t even just admit it. Instead you had to insult my-“

“Your what?”

“My boyfriend, okay? It’s official.” Tony’s heart dropped. He was too late. What of Mr. Prince charming kept a hold to Rhodey? What if this got serious? Rhodey was a catch, who wouldn’t put a ring on it? “You need to let this go, Tony. I have seriously had enough of your childishness. I’m not gonna have this conversation with you again.” It wasn’t often that Rhodey spoke to him with such gravity, but when he did Tony knew he meant business. Problem was, Tony was a man in love and he never did know when to stop pushing.

It didn’t take long before he was in the kitchen alone with Phil while Rhodey took a shower. They’d had particularly loud sex the night before and Tony’s dander was up something serious. 

“You won’t get away with this.”

“Away with what?” Phil said around a mouthful of Tony’s Honey Nut Cheerios. The fucker.

“I don’t know what your game is, but there’s no way I’ll let you hurt him.”

“Excuse me?”

“You put up this front like you're mister perfect. You’re hiding something and I’m gonna find it.”

Phil threw down his spoon and scooted his chair away from the kitchen island. “This is out of control, Tony. You’re out of line.”

“Why don’t you just walk away and leave him be, and I won’t have to expose you?”

“You’ve hated me since day one, and all I’ve done is go out of my way to be nice to you.”

“I’m looking out for my best friend’s heart.”

Phil threw him a curveball. “Looking out for _his_ heart, huh? You’re a coward, Stark. You should have said something.”

Tony’s stomach dropped. “What?”

“You think it isn’t obvious why you’re doing this?”

Tony started to stutter, but Phil cut him off. I know you’re in love with him. You took him for granted and now that we’ve got a good thing you can’t stand it.”

Tony was shocked into honestly. “I didn’t know,” he said shakily.

“You didn’t know. Well, that’s damn convenient, isn’t it? You do whatever and whoever you want, but now suddenly you’re on a crusade for him?”

Tony had no idea what to say, because Phil was totally right.

“I won’t tell him about this conversation. That’s on you. Unlike you, I don’t want to interfere because I respect him. As much as you’ve made my life miserable, I respect that you’re his best friend and he really loves you. I don’t know why or how. Look how you treat him. You need to take a long look at yourself, Tony Stark. The world doesn’t revolve round you.” Phil went into Rhodey’s room and slammed the door. Tony thought, yeah. I really do need to take a long look at myself. Rhodey was out moments later.

“What happened?” Tony said nothing. “Tony, what did you do? I swear to God…” Rhodey went to see about Phil, and Tony fled the premises. He was gonna being major league trouble. No way he wasn’t gonna dig himself into a deeper hole first. 

Tony went to his favorite gay haunt and found a guy to blow him in the bathroom, ignoring the way his phone was lighting up. Rhodey pitching a fit, not doubt. Getting off didn’t make him feel any better; he thought about being with Rhodey the entire time, and when it was over he thought about how much Rhodey must hate him.

He was out until fuck o’clock in the morning, drinking himself stupid. He came home with the rising sun. 

Rhodey was up, in the kitchen, waiting for him. 

“Why would you do it, Tony?”

“I knew Phil was a snitch.”

“So you’re admitting trying to break us up, then?”

“I plead the fifth.”

“He didn’t want to tell me. I knew something was wrong because he never gets mad and I literally had to drag it out of him. He told me everything.”

Oh no. “Everything like what?”

“How you’re trying to run him away. How you’re jealous, and you can’t handle seeing your best friend in a relationship.” Nothing about being in love. So Phil was true to his word.

“I’ve had enough of this, Tony.” Rhodey placed a single sheet of white paper on the counter and slid it towards him. 

“What’s this?”

“It’s my thirty-day notice. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what? You make it sound like we’re breaking up.”

He mumbled something that sounded like “that’s what it feels like”. “It’s time, Tony. We both need to move on.” He shrugged on his jacket and made for the door.

“Don’t leave me. Here. Don’t leave me here.”

“I’ll pay my half of the rent, but I won’t be here the whole thirty days. I’m moving in with Phil as soon as possible.” 

“C’mon, Rhodey. Don’t do this. Please.” 

But Rhodey was already gone. 

He was officially desperate, so he called Pepper. 

“Can I stop by for a couple of days?”

“You never visit anymore. Are you dying?”

“Something that.”

“Come on down.”

Pepper let Tony mope on her couch for about forty-five minutes before she set about solving his problem.

“Let me guess, you realized you’re in love with Rhodey-“ Tony looked up in shock, “-because he finally got a boyfriend and you’re jealous as hell.”

“I always knew you were keeping me under surveillance.”

“My bots are better than yours.”

Tony sat up on his elbow. “Don’t try to come against my bots, girlfriend. You’ll lose every time.” He sagged back down and hugged a pillow. “I just thought he’d always be there.”

“Because you’ve been playing house for so long and you got comfortable with the way things were? Didn’t you ever wonder why you could never have more than a physical fling with anyone else? It’s because Rhodey meets your emotional needs. Someone who showers you with attention, someone who listens to you, who tolerates you, who loves you unconditionally, for you and not what you have. You’ve been in a relationship with Rhodey for years, you just never knew it. Until he found somebody new, that is.” 

Tony groaned. “I fucked it all up, Pepper!” He rolled over, smashed the pillow to his face, and yelled into it. 

“Well, you’ve been childish. You’ve been selfish. You’ve taken him for granted. You’ve had your fun with your conquests. The point it, we all know how much Tony wants what Tony wants. You picked a fine time to realize you were in love. Did you ever stop to think about what Rhodey wants? Did you ask him?”

“I don’t know. Maybe for once I’ll keep my big mouth shut and let him be happy with Phil. I owe him that.”

“I didn’t say that. I said you should ask him _what he wants_.”

“He wants to leave me!” Tony whined.

“Tony, he loves you. More than you know. This is breaking his heart, too.”

“Then why do more damage?”

 “I think you owe him the truth. It’s up to him to decide what to do with it. You have to be ready to accept whatever he says.”

“Pep, what will I do without him?”

“You might be surprised by his response. Like I said, Tony, _he loves you more than you know_.” 

Tony breathed deep then shook his whole body out. ‘Okay, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna tell him I’m an asshole, then tell him I love him, and that it’s his move.”

“Atta boy.” Pepper ruffled his hair.

“Can I hade here with you for a few more days, though?” He squeaked.

“Of course you can, you big baby.” Pepper kissed him on the forehead, then hit him with the pillow. 

When Tony got home a few days later, he was shocked to find all of Rhodey’s things already gone. Not only was it a shock how quickly he’d left, it was a shock to see all the tiny traces of him missing, things that had simple always been there. 

Tony collapsed into Rhodey’s recliner. He was too late. He was a fool. A sound came from Rhodey’s room. When Tony looked up, the door creaked open. There he was, holding an old printer paper box. Tony leapt to his feet

“Oh, it’s only you,” Rhodey said.

“Yeah, only me.”

“Look, I just came to get this last box. Phil’s waiting for me, so…”

“Can I talk to you for a second?” 

“I feel like the time for talking has passed, Tony.” He started for the door again.

“Just hear me out.”

“You have sixty seconds.”

“I want to apologize to you.”

“Is that right?”

“Yes. You were right. I was jealous. I’m used to getting all your attention. You’re the only one who tolerates me, who understands me, who loves me for me. I had no right to treat Phil the way I did and I should have supported you being happy. I’ve been childish. I’ve been selfish. I’ve taken you for granted.”

“Did Pepper help you with this?”

Tony threw up his hands. “Does that make it any less true? Would you just let me apologize properly, please?” 

Rhodey kept a straight face but Tony knew when he was softening up. He just had to keep going. He could at least salvage their friendship, if nothing else.

“Proceed,” Rhodey said. 

“I need to tell you the truth about why I got so jealous. I don’t want this to change anything. You’re leaving and I respect that. I just need you to know.”

Rhodey got the look on his face he got whenever Tony was about to confess to blowing another hole in one of their walls. “What is it, Tony?”

“Promise not to be mad?”

Rhodey cursed. “It doesn’t work that way, Tones. Spit it out.”

“I’m kinda sorta in love with you and I kinda sorta have been for a really long time and kinda sorta didn’t know it until you started dating somebody else.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m in love with you.”

“Kinda sorta?!”Rhodey threw the box down. Tony flinched.

“Well, no, not kinda sorta. More truly, madly, deeply. Savage Garden style.”

Rhodey tented his hands on his face, pressing his fingertips into his eyes. “How long?”

“I don’t know. Years, most likely.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” Rhodey have sound more exhausted if he tried. 

“Because…because you’re moving on, and you’re not gonna wanna see me. Phil definitely won’t want to see me. It won’t change anything, and you deserve the truth. There. I got it all out, head shrinking style, just like Pepper said.”

Rhodey was pissed, and getting more pissed, and Tony could tell. 

“You drop a bomb on me like this, and you say it doesn’t matter? How much of an idiot can you be?”

“A colossal one, to do this when I know you don’t love me back.”

Rhodey was yelling now. “How stupid can you be?! I’m in love with you, too, you dumbass!”

“I know you hate me but- wait, what?!” Did he hear that right? In love with him, too?

“Jesus God, Anthony Edward Stark, I could throw you out of this fourth-floor window.”

“You are? But…”

“I never said anything? Ever think it’s because you always joke around with me, treat me like we’re dating, but always pull away at the last second saying you’d never cross that line. You’ve done that since we were kids in undergrad, Tony. 

Do you know how much that hurt, for you to reject me over and over and tell me you could never see me like that? I kept my peace because I never wanted to lose _you_. I never took anybody serious because I never could. I never brought any dates back because they took one look at us together and they _knew_. 

After all these years I finally made up my mind to move on. I have the perfect relationship with Phil, and I’ve been so frustrated because I want to feel for him what I feel for you. You’ve been doing your thing with the conquests you bring home. There I was, stupid Rhodey, always there, just waiting and hoping and lurking around. 

“Yeah, I’m not proud of how slutty I am-“

“ _I don’t care_ how many people you’ve been with, Tony. I cared that they weren’t me. But stupid me, I just couldn’t leave you alone because you’re you.”

“Why would you be in love with me? I’m a horrible person to be in love with.”

“I think we’ve established that my judgement is questionable at best.” He shook his head in disbelief. “Every time you’d call me honey or sweetheart, every time I fixed you and you told me you loved me, I imaged us together. Do you know how deep I had to bury it? Not only are you asking me to end my serious relationship, you’re asking me to unearth everything, you’re asking me to hurt again.”

“No, I don’t want you to hurt. I want you to love. Me. I want the chance to love you the right way.I’m asking you to be happy. With me. We’ve always been so happy.”

“I’m with Phil now. You can’t ask me to drop him for you. That’s not how this works.”

“Drop Phil, Rhodey. Give me a chance. I need you. You’re the one person in my life I can’t live without. Don’t go.”

“Didn’t I _just_ ask you not to do that?”

“You did, but I’m Tony Stark, remember?” Rhodey’s laugh was humorless, but Tony knew he was getting somewhere. 

“Give me one good reason.”

“Your family loves me. They’re my family too. You’ll be in big trouble if you replace me with Phil.”

“They do love you. They’re even crazier than I am.”

“Imagine what Mrs. Rhodes would say. That you abandoned me knowing I can’t take care of myself.”

“That’s a low blow.”

“Is it working?”

“I haven’t left yet, so I guess so.”

“What about all our memories? We’ve got secrets. We’ve got non-verbal communication. We’ve rituals and we’ve survived major arguments and we’ve survived all of my bots. We’ve got a teenage whiz kid who thought we were married from day one.”

“Peter thought we were…?”

“Mm hmm. Little rascal’s even smarter than I give him credit for.” 

Rhodey hesitated. “I can’t so this, Tony. Phil’s waiting for me.” Rhodey pulled on his jacket, picked up the box, and made for the door. Panicking, Tony threw out his last gambit. 

“Rhodey, who’s gonna make you breakfast? Who’s gonna burn your bacon just right if I’m not there? Let’s not throw it all away.”

Rhodey exhaled, long and low, and set his box down on the counter. He pulled out his phone and started typing. “What the fuck am I gonna tell Phil?”

Then Tony was kissing him, so hard that he bruised his lips, and Rhodey was kissing him back, and holy shit this was the best thing in the world, better than getting his suit to fly, better than winning all the fighting robot matches, better than all the money in the world. 

Clothing came off in a blur. Their bodies fell, tangled, onto the couch the leather sectional they picked out together five years ago.

Unselfish. He could do that. Please Rhodey and not worry about himself. He would do that. 

He would make Rhodey moan the way he’d heard through the wall, only much louder because dammit, he was Tony Stark and no one could make the man he loved moan louder than he could. It didn’t take long.

“Shit, Tony. That’s incredible.”

“I know.” 

Rhodey smacked the back of his head playfully. “Shut up and keep going.”

It was better. Pleasuring the one he loved, the one who most deserved it, the one he most wanted to see sexed out and exhausted, it was fun. It was a turn-on like fuck.

When it was over and they were laying sprawled all over each other, catching their breath, Rhodey said, “Why didn’t we do that sooner? Like a decade ago?”

“Because I had some growing up to do.” 

Rhodey gave him a look.

“Okay, a LOT of growing up to do.” Tony stroked Rhodey’s sleepy face with the back of his knuckles. Was this incredible man really his? “Hun?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Rhodey’s smile was blinding. “I love you, too.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything, Tony.”

“I reeeeeaally wanna build a bot from the toaster. I just-“

Rhodey groaned. “Tony, no.”

“If I set the house on fire I’ll do laundry and burn the shit out of your bacon for like three months.”

“Add on more of what you just did to me and you got yourself a deal.”

“You’re gonna get lots of that anyway so that’s no skin off my nose. I’m gonna call it Malcolm and it’s gonna toast everything. Including buildings.”

“What did I just get myself into?” Tony blabbed on about Malcolm the toaster and all Rhodey could do was laugh.


End file.
